Friday the 13th

It’s interesting how the notion of ‘fear’ changes as you get older.  When you’re a kid, fear is generally the result of something that you don’t understand, but haven’t yet learned to dismiss as nonsense.  Things like ghosts and monsters and such.  As an adult, though, fear is more often the result of instability – of something taken away from you that leaves you with an uncertain or unpleasant future.  As opposed to when you were younger and fear lasted long enough for Scooby or Shaggy to pull the mask off of the evil-doer, fear as an adult is more pervasive and long lasting.

Ironic, then, that the scariest day I can remember happened on Friday the 13^th.

It started harmless enough.  I got up early and headed to the gym.  I lifted weights for about half an hour then changed into swim trunks and was earnestly swimming away at the Y pool when a lifeguard tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Joe Camp.  When I confirmed my identity, he made what is probably the scariest comment I have ever heard – “Your wife called – its an emergency and you need to get home as soon as possible.”

In the pool, wearing only my trunks, a 15 minute drive home – and knowing that this pregnancy has been incredibly hard on Jill – I was pure panic.  The Y folks directed me to a phone, where I hurriedly told Jill I’d be there ASAP.  Drying off seemed to take an hour, the drive home seemed like a month.  When I got back to my locker I saw that Jill had called nearly 35 minutes earlier asking me to come home immediately.  I just didn’t think to check my messages between lifting and swimming.  I felt awful and guilty and mostly terribly afraid of what might happen to our babies.

When I finally pulled in the drive, Jill was outside waiting for me.  She already had an appointment with the Ob/Gyn scheduled for later in the day, but they had got her in earlier as a result of our emergency.  Again – the doctor’s office is only about 5 miles away, but it seemed like we hit every red light along the way.  We were both too nervous to talk much but through a shared clenching of one another's hand, we made our way there. 

Jill’s usual doctor was out of town and her replacement, while competent, was a bit detached in nature.  She started her examination as if Jill and I weren’t practically melting in front of her.  When she finally got to an ultrasound she – fairly casually – said, “Yup, there they are – two little heartbeats.”  I don’t know how long she had been aware that our babies were ok, but up until that second Jill and I were thinking the worst.  I lost it.  I could not have been more relieved.  The exam wrapped up and things looked fine.  Jill was told to take it easy for a week or so, and also that this was only something to monitor – nothing to be anxious about. 

By this point Jill had been in full-on panic mode for an hour or so.  I’d been in a similar state for over 30 minutes.  Once we knew the episode was behind us, we were finally able to talk through the anxiety of the morning.  In those fearful moments, it’s like you know you’re only holding on by a sliver of hope and so talking about “what might happen” is the last thing you want to do.  Afterwards, though, it’s almost therapeutic to talk through the emotions of the day and say some of the things you had been petrified of only 15 minutes ago.

More than anything else, this episode reinforces to me that we are out of the high risk zone.  We’re past that 12 week threshold.  Now – more often than not – our babies are going to be ok.  I mean – my mom was in a car wreck when she was pregnant with me and I’m here to tell the story.  I’m not taking anything for granted, but I do feel a bit more confident – or maybe comfortable is the right word – going forward.

Uncovering Truths

As part of the process to qualify for IVF, there is a fairly rigorous series of blood work and ultrasounds that need to be done.  The doctor wants to make sure that you are a good candidate for success.  A full blood count was done; we were tested for cystic fibrosis (among other things), vitamin D levels, and thyroid function. When my thyroid results came back it actually showed that I have a mild case of hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid).  There have been several tests that have linked hypothyroidism to the increased chance of miscarriage.  So although that result ended up putting the IVF cycle off for two months while I got my levels back to normal, I was still glad that they found it.

When I was growing up, my mom eventually told my sister and I that she had had three miscarriages besides her two successful ones.  And I’m pretty sure that my grandma had two, so I had always been a little concerned that I might be at a higher risk for miscarriage.  And with the process we have to go through just to get pregnant, I wanted to avoid that at all costs.  I’m sure, when my mom was pregnant in the 60s and 70s, no one thought or knew to test for thyroid function, so it went undiagnosed.  However, when my sister got married and before they even started trying to have kids, she found out that she has the same thyroid condition.  Since it had already been treated by the time she did get pregnant, she never had a miscarriage.  To me that was a huge connection. I was certainly willing to delay if it meant increasing our chances of success the first time around.

I also had a hysteroscopy, which is a scope (with a camera!!) of my uterus to make sure it is healthy and that it will be welcoming of the retrieval and transfer process.  As Joe so delicately put it, we definitely don’t have that channel on our TV at home.  Although it is a little odd to watch your uterus on a TV screen, it was still pretty neat.  And I found out that my uterus is naturally tilted about 45 degrees -  nothing to worry about.  But who would’ve known!!

Fuzzy Math

Just got to thinking about something -- the whole time I've been talking about IVF, I've made constant reference to that $25,000 number -- which is REALLY close to what this will end up costing.

But now that we know that we will be having twins -- does that mean I should change the total to "The Making of (2) $12,500 Babies?"  Because when you think about it -- its kinda like we got a 2-for-1 coupon.  Or a 50% discount.  A Discount Double Check if you will.

I was also looking forward to the $25K guilt trip I would have at my disposal when this child became old enough to negotiate.  Now my leverage has been halved.  Such is life...

Why I Actually Think We’re Lucky

Most people who hear about couples having to go through IVF feel a certain level of sympathy. When the decision has been made to start trying for a baby, you don’t ever think this will be your path.  We certainly didn’t.  But I actually think we are really fortunate to have discovered that IVF was going to be our required path fairly quickly.

We tried naturally for about 6 months before I went into my gynecologist.  At that point, the tests started, and that was a difficult process in itself.  But we found out after about 4 months where our challenges stemmed from, and there was a procedure done to try and reconcile the issue which was unsuccessful. So after only 6 months of trying to figure this out, we had our answers and knew what our solution would be. IVF was still daunting, but at least we knew.

There are so many couples out there that are desperate for a baby.  They try for years, they have an endless amount of tests done, and they put thousands of dollars into the process. But everything they do comes back negative and doesn’t help explain why they can’t get pregnant.  That would have been excruciating for us, and it makes the decisions of what to do going forward so much more difficult. Should we keep trying?  Can we afford to keep trying? Should we adopt instead?

We definitely would have preferred being able to have our babies naturally (certainly more fun), but I am so thankful that we have answers in our hands.  This is a solution that we are able to afford that allows us to try and have kids of our own. That, to me, is a real blessing.

Heartbeat(s)

Wow.  Just wow.

Earlier this week Jill and I went for our first sonogram since we found out she was pregnant.  Going in, this seemed like a much bigger deal than the original pregnancy test.  That was just a blood test and a phone call later in the day.  Very cool, but still – it seemed like it was just another step in the process.

I figured this would be neat – there is a visual component to sonograms that is really interesting.  Obviously the images aren’t exactly crystal clear, but its still cool to put a picture to what we’ve talked about.

As soon as we started seeing things I was blown away – within 5 seconds we were looking at a picture of our baby on the screen.  We knew it had worked so we knew we would be seeing this, but it was still overwhelming.  There (s)he was.  Hanging out.  What I wasn’t prepared for was being able to see the heartbeat.  I didn’t know that was possible at this point.  The pregnancy calendar is a bit skewed because of IVF, but basically Jill was at 7 weeks and 1 day.  And on this day our baby had a heartbeat.  I am – technically – a dad.  BIG stuff.  Awesome stuff.

As Jill has mentioned, everything (except for the cramping and nausea) has gone really well so far.  Since they transferred two embryos, there was a good chance she could have two babies – and possibly more if they divided.  So after gawking at baby #1 for a couple minutes the doctor moved on to see if there were more.

Not 3 seconds later we were staring at baby #2.  Again – seeing the heartbeat – knowing that my baby – BOTH my babies! – were in there and doing well was just, well, life altering!

This was a best case scenario for us.  Jill and I have talked about wanting two kids forever – if they come at the same time so be it!  Just an FYI – these two babies will be as different genetically and physiologically as siblings born years apart – they are fraternal, not identical.   

We don’t know if they will be boys or girls yet – that info comes in a couple months.  Baby #1 – who the doctor labeled ‘A’ in the photo – is lower in the uterus and is likely to be born first.  I’m calling him(her) Alpha.  Baby #2 – labeled ‘B’ in the photo – is a bit higher in the uterus.  I’m calling this one Beta.

Just to be sure the doctor checked to make sure there weren’t any more babies hiding in there.  Thankfully there weren’t.  We’re really excited to be having two, but are fully content with that.  Last thing we need is an army of babies and the TLC reality show that would inevitably follow.  Because I think we all know that doesn’t always end well.  And Jill would have to get an awful hairstyle…

One thing I want to reiterate – seeing BOTH of these heartbeats was probably the most amazing experience of my entire life.  The more I think about it, the more significant it becomes.  Its generated a 1000 different thoughts for me – some of which I’ll share on the blog and some of which will be kept (and rightfully so) in the corners of my brain.

Did I mention I’m a dad?  Again, wow.

Call me “Patches”

Now that we know we’re pregnant, the “fun” hasn’t all finished for me.  Right now, I still have to do a shot of progesterone each night (more bruises). Joe has to administer those since they need to go above my rump (thus the black circles so he knows where to inject) And I’m wearing three patches of Estradiol.  Both are needed because my body isn’t naturally producing all of the necessary hormones yet. Some trickery is still needed to make sure the pregnancy is safe.

The shot I can deal with; it’s almost old hat by now.  But these patches are the pits!!  They’re itchy and sticky; they dry out my skin too.  Plus, I’m pretty sure they are causing some pretty bad cramping that, as luck would have it, all hit in the middle of the night (did I mention that I’m already exhausted at the end of each day?).  Fortunately, the patches are only needed for a few weeks, and then I will wean off them. But the wait for that seems interminable right now. I look like I’m trying to really, really quit smoking!

I guess this was just another one of the pieces that was included in the box o’ drugs that I was unprepared for, and am definitely not enjoying.

Surreal news

We got the call from our clinic.  And it worked – we’re pregnant!  It’s a phone call that changes your life and yet there isn’t much to react to.  Don’t get me wrong, I can’t begin to describe how excited I am that we have had success with this whole process. But now it feels like we have lots of waiting to do – waiting to find out how many babies there are, waiting to make sure we get past the first 12-14 weeks, waiting to tell our family and friends.  And you can’t really start planning for anything either.  So we just keep the news and excitement inside until we get a few weeks down the road.

It occurs to me how lucky we have been through the process (not lucky to have needed to go through it in the first place). We had wonderful results with the egg retrieval (17), we had great results with fertilization (14), and we had great results with viable embryos (2 transferred and 8 frozen).  I don’t think we could have hoped for each step to have gone better. For me, it’s especially such a relief to know we have the frozen embryos because this means we will never have to start from scratch with a fresh cycle.  This means less needle sticks, fewer appointments and an easier process all around. So that is an extra relief for me personally.

Of course, we might not ever go through another cycle if we end up with multiples. But that’s news we have to wait for over the next few weeks.