The end of the Dark Ages

For the rest of my life I’ll refer to these last few years as the “Dark Ages.”  I was laid off from the biotech company in July of 2010 and subsequently drew unemployment while looking for jobs from Chicago.  2011 brought the move to Milwaukee and then there was the 4.5 months or so at the BloodCenter that turned out to be the single worst work experience of my entire life.   I’ve spent the last 8 (very humbling) months as a freelance writer and part-time Bed Bath and Beyond associate.  Its been tough.  So many life decisions were put on hold and we really had to scale our lives down to subsistence levels for an extended period of time.  

I recently was offered a long-term contract position with Harley-Davidson, though, and I’m really excited about it.  The job sounds neat and seems like something I’d be particularly good at.  And it pays well.  And its Harley-Frickin’-Davidson!!  How cool is that???  Its not a permanent position, so its not totally ideal, but I have faith in my abilities to win them over enough that – at the least – they extend the contract indefinitely.

This is where I bring this back to IVF.  We spent the first few months of 2011 looking into different IVF docs.  By ‘we’ I mean Jill because she did most of the work.  After identifying a doctor in late spring, we were about ready to start the process in July, but when my job became untenable and I left BloodCenter we were forced to put the process on hold.  Making the timing of this even more awful was the fact that nearly every woman in Jill’s office (of child-bearing age) was either pregnant or had just had kids.  It was like Mommy-palooza there and she was left as only a hopeful observer.  That period was probably the most stressful time in our marriage, but we agreed holding off would be the best option.

A few months passed and after a few more conversations, we decided that waiting for the sake of waiting wasn’t really getting us anywhere.  We had saved for it so we had the money and as we approached our 35^th birthdays, we knew we couldn’t wait forever.  So we took a risk.  A risk that I would have a better job by the time they were born.  One of the things the last few years have taught me is that – as long as you have your priorities straight – you can find a way to make difficult situations workable.  Not necessarily fun or enjoyable, but workable.  And I/we were determined to make this particular situation work.

As the IVF process unfolded we consistently got good results.  Honestly – at every step along the way things have very much gone in our favor.  Still, though, seeing those two little heartbeats brought on a definite sense of anxiety.  I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to provide for them.  There were nights I would wake up anxious at 2am.  You carry that anxiety with you as well – I’m sure anybody that knows me well could probably pick up on that.  There is a tension of both mind and spirit that inhibits you from ever achieving any real sense of comfort and peace.

That is what this job has given me – comfort and peace.  Money is money.  It doesn’t mean anything.  The ability to provide for my family, though, means everything.  We’re able to talk about cribs and car seats and high chairs and day care.  Today we bought a stroller – something we couldn’t have afforded without this job (thankfully I was still able to use my BBB discount ---20% gets pretty awesome when you’re dropping $500!!!).

Mostly I’m able to enjoy these next few months.  I’ll be able to provide for our little guys.  And Jill – Jill won’t have to carry us nearly single-handedly anymore.  After five years of marriage and seven years of being together I have definitely learned that life will give a couple plenty of opportunities to share the load.  And Jill has been carrying more than her fair share for entirely too long.  This job provides both of us with a level of comfort I think we’re entirely due.

I have no idea how the rest of the pregnancy will unfold and I’m 100% ignorant when it comes to parenthood.  We’ve made it through the Dark Ages, though, so I’m entirely confident we’ll make it through whatever is next as well.