It’s not been a walk in the park

I think Joe has mentioned that I have not had an easy time so far in this pregnancy.  The nausea was awful, but it has gotten better.  I’m still waiting for that blissful second trimester time, now that I’m almost 5 months along, but I don’t think that will be in the cards for me.  I am still getting sick occasionally and have a prescription for nausea to help keep that at bay.

But what’s been most difficult are the few scares that we have had.  Joe wrote about Friday, the 13^th in April.  Well, a couple weeks ago, I had a little more spotting.  It wasn’t as bad as the first time, and this time I knew what was going on and that there wasn’t too much to be worried about as far as the babies were concerned.  But it’s still so scary because it’s still a sign that not everything is absolutely perfect.

This time I had an even better understanding of what might be happening.  At the ultrasound, the doctor found that the placenta of our baby girl is pretty close to my cervix. This makes it much more likely to have bleeding and it’s something they need to keep a pretty close eye on.  In fact, if the placenta moves over the cervix, I will most likely be put on some sort of bed rest, which I dread more than anything.

Sometimes it feels really unfair.  We had to go through so much just to get pregnant. Shouldn’t I get a free pass to an easy pregnancy?  But I know it doesn’t work that way, so I know I just need to do whatever is needed to make sure these babies that we have worked so hard for stay safe and sound for many more weeks.

I have to really watch how much activity I have each day. I can’t really even go for walks.  Trying to run the errands that we need to do to prepare for the babies is exhausting and makes me a little nervous. It’s hard having that worry in the back of my head all the time (if you know me, you know I don’t need any help with worrying), and I really wish I was able to do more.  But once again, Joe has shown how amazing he is. He helps out a lot around the house and does what he can to help me feel more comfortable. He has been patient whenever I don’t feel well and helps me feel calmer when the tears can’t be stopped. I don’t know what I would do without him!

Finding out what’s in the envelope

A few weeks ago, I went in for my first ultrasound where they do all of the screening and really make sure that the babies are developing well.  Unfortunately, Joe wasn’t able to go since it was only his second day at the new job and he didn’t want to ask for the time already.

It was pretty fascinating!!  They took measurements of the bones, the spine, the internal organs, the brain, everything. They made sure each amniotic sac looks good, and that everything seems to be progressing according to plan. The babies were definitely not cooperating; they were moving all over the place so it took awhile, but they were able to collect all of the information they wanted.

The doctor came in and explained that both babies look really good, and that neither is showing any signs of Downs or Spina Bifida.  This was really the news that we were most anxious about, so it was a joy to hear that from her.

They are both the same size, which is also a good thing.  And, not surprising, they both have pretty big heads. At this appointment, they were also able to tell the genders, but since Joe wasn’t there, I asked them to put that news in an envelope so that we could open it together and find out.

I had to leave the envelope in the car because it just would have been too distracting the entire day if I knew it was in my bag at work.  But we both left work a little early to try and get home as quickly as possible. We sat down and opened the envelope.  Baby A…a girl!!!  And Baby B…a boy!!!  We’re having one of each!  It was so exciting to see that we were basically getting exactly what we wanted.  Of course, we would have been ecstatic for two girls or two boys, but knowing that this was going to be our family and we would have a son and a daughter was just awesome!!

It’s hard to say that we have been lucky in this process.  Because having to go through IVF in the first place doesn’t exactly make you feel like you are very lucky.  And it hasn’t been easy, the IVF process or the pregnancy, but to know that our family of four will be here in just a few short months makes everything absolutely worth it.  We’ve had good results all along the way, and I know a lot of couples don’t have the type of luck we have had, so we feel so blessed to be at this stage, knowing our babies are healthy and that we’ll be looking for cute gear in both blue and pink!

Friday the 13th

It’s interesting how the notion of ‘fear’ changes as you get older.  When you’re a kid, fear is generally the result of something that you don’t understand, but haven’t yet learned to dismiss as nonsense.  Things like ghosts and monsters and such.  As an adult, though, fear is more often the result of instability – of something taken away from you that leaves you with an uncertain or unpleasant future.  As opposed to when you were younger and fear lasted long enough for Scooby or Shaggy to pull the mask off of the evil-doer, fear as an adult is more pervasive and long lasting.

Ironic, then, that the scariest day I can remember happened on Friday the 13^th.

It started harmless enough.  I got up early and headed to the gym.  I lifted weights for about half an hour then changed into swim trunks and was earnestly swimming away at the Y pool when a lifeguard tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Joe Camp.  When I confirmed my identity, he made what is probably the scariest comment I have ever heard – “Your wife called – its an emergency and you need to get home as soon as possible.”

In the pool, wearing only my trunks, a 15 minute drive home – and knowing that this pregnancy has been incredibly hard on Jill – I was pure panic.  The Y folks directed me to a phone, where I hurriedly told Jill I’d be there ASAP.  Drying off seemed to take an hour, the drive home seemed like a month.  When I got back to my locker I saw that Jill had called nearly 35 minutes earlier asking me to come home immediately.  I just didn’t think to check my messages between lifting and swimming.  I felt awful and guilty and mostly terribly afraid of what might happen to our babies.

When I finally pulled in the drive, Jill was outside waiting for me.  She already had an appointment with the Ob/Gyn scheduled for later in the day, but they had got her in earlier as a result of our emergency.  Again – the doctor’s office is only about 5 miles away, but it seemed like we hit every red light along the way.  We were both too nervous to talk much but through a shared clenching of one another's hand, we made our way there. 

Jill’s usual doctor was out of town and her replacement, while competent, was a bit detached in nature.  She started her examination as if Jill and I weren’t practically melting in front of her.  When she finally got to an ultrasound she – fairly casually – said, “Yup, there they are – two little heartbeats.”  I don’t know how long she had been aware that our babies were ok, but up until that second Jill and I were thinking the worst.  I lost it.  I could not have been more relieved.  The exam wrapped up and things looked fine.  Jill was told to take it easy for a week or so, and also that this was only something to monitor – nothing to be anxious about. 

By this point Jill had been in full-on panic mode for an hour or so.  I’d been in a similar state for over 30 minutes.  Once we knew the episode was behind us, we were finally able to talk through the anxiety of the morning.  In those fearful moments, it’s like you know you’re only holding on by a sliver of hope and so talking about “what might happen” is the last thing you want to do.  Afterwards, though, it’s almost therapeutic to talk through the emotions of the day and say some of the things you had been petrified of only 15 minutes ago.

More than anything else, this episode reinforces to me that we are out of the high risk zone.  We’re past that 12 week threshold.  Now – more often than not – our babies are going to be ok.  I mean – my mom was in a car wreck when she was pregnant with me and I’m here to tell the story.  I’m not taking anything for granted, but I do feel a bit more confident – or maybe comfortable is the right word – going forward.

Heartbeat(s)

Wow.  Just wow.

Earlier this week Jill and I went for our first sonogram since we found out she was pregnant.  Going in, this seemed like a much bigger deal than the original pregnancy test.  That was just a blood test and a phone call later in the day.  Very cool, but still – it seemed like it was just another step in the process.

I figured this would be neat – there is a visual component to sonograms that is really interesting.  Obviously the images aren’t exactly crystal clear, but its still cool to put a picture to what we’ve talked about.

As soon as we started seeing things I was blown away – within 5 seconds we were looking at a picture of our baby on the screen.  We knew it had worked so we knew we would be seeing this, but it was still overwhelming.  There (s)he was.  Hanging out.  What I wasn’t prepared for was being able to see the heartbeat.  I didn’t know that was possible at this point.  The pregnancy calendar is a bit skewed because of IVF, but basically Jill was at 7 weeks and 1 day.  And on this day our baby had a heartbeat.  I am – technically – a dad.  BIG stuff.  Awesome stuff.

As Jill has mentioned, everything (except for the cramping and nausea) has gone really well so far.  Since they transferred two embryos, there was a good chance she could have two babies – and possibly more if they divided.  So after gawking at baby #1 for a couple minutes the doctor moved on to see if there were more.

Not 3 seconds later we were staring at baby #2.  Again – seeing the heartbeat – knowing that my baby – BOTH my babies! – were in there and doing well was just, well, life altering!

This was a best case scenario for us.  Jill and I have talked about wanting two kids forever – if they come at the same time so be it!  Just an FYI – these two babies will be as different genetically and physiologically as siblings born years apart – they are fraternal, not identical.   

We don’t know if they will be boys or girls yet – that info comes in a couple months.  Baby #1 – who the doctor labeled ‘A’ in the photo – is lower in the uterus and is likely to be born first.  I’m calling him(her) Alpha.  Baby #2 – labeled ‘B’ in the photo – is a bit higher in the uterus.  I’m calling this one Beta.

Just to be sure the doctor checked to make sure there weren’t any more babies hiding in there.  Thankfully there weren’t.  We’re really excited to be having two, but are fully content with that.  Last thing we need is an army of babies and the TLC reality show that would inevitably follow.  Because I think we all know that doesn’t always end well.  And Jill would have to get an awful hairstyle…

One thing I want to reiterate – seeing BOTH of these heartbeats was probably the most amazing experience of my entire life.  The more I think about it, the more significant it becomes.  Its generated a 1000 different thoughts for me – some of which I’ll share on the blog and some of which will be kept (and rightfully so) in the corners of my brain.

Did I mention I’m a dad?  Again, wow.

Surreal news

We got the call from our clinic.  And it worked – we’re pregnant!  It’s a phone call that changes your life and yet there isn’t much to react to.  Don’t get me wrong, I can’t begin to describe how excited I am that we have had success with this whole process. But now it feels like we have lots of waiting to do – waiting to find out how many babies there are, waiting to make sure we get past the first 12-14 weeks, waiting to tell our family and friends.  And you can’t really start planning for anything either.  So we just keep the news and excitement inside until we get a few weeks down the road.

It occurs to me how lucky we have been through the process (not lucky to have needed to go through it in the first place). We had wonderful results with the egg retrieval (17), we had great results with fertilization (14), and we had great results with viable embryos (2 transferred and 8 frozen).  I don’t think we could have hoped for each step to have gone better. For me, it’s especially such a relief to know we have the frozen embryos because this means we will never have to start from scratch with a fresh cycle.  This means less needle sticks, fewer appointments and an easier process all around. So that is an extra relief for me personally.

Of course, we might not ever go through another cycle if we end up with multiples. But that’s news we have to wait for over the next few weeks.