The Good, the Bad, and the Extremely Uncomfortable…

I thought about titling this entry 'Cruel Summer’ because that’s kinda
what it’s seemed like Jill is having. I think that’s a bit
short-sighted, though, because we have been fortunate enough to get to
the point we are now with two normal, healthy, VERY LARGE babies and
for that we are certainly grateful.

I’ll go in reverse order of above and start with the ‘Extremely
Uncomfortable.’ Jill is now at about six months. Both of our babies
weigh about 2 pounds, 13 ounces – which – for those non-math majors –
means she already has almost 6 pounds of baby plus two placentas
floating around in there. With 2-3 months to go. Yeah – OUCH! As you
can guess, the babies are causing their mother some serious
discomfort. The boy is situated high in her belly and provides regular
pressure to her diaphragm, which makes it hard for her to breathe. Did
I mention Jill has asthma? This doesn’t help. The girl is low in her
belly and is constantly stretching Jill’s belly down, down, down.
This, too, is not fun for Jill. To top it off, Jill is still getting
sick on a fairly regular basis. So not only can she not eat very much
– there’s no room in her stomach! – but when she does she gets sick
fairly regularly. See what I meant by Cruel Summer? She’s plugging in
there, though. We’ve had basically 5 straight weeks of hosting house
guests and she’s put her game face on when needed and taken naps
whenever she can.

Now you’re ready for ‘the Bad,’ right?? Well, on top of the Friday the
13th episode I wrote about earlier, we’ve had a few other rough spots.
Last week, Jill took the full course of Gestational Diabetes tests and
found out she has a very minor case. All of her scores were just
barely above the normal range, though, so we’re hoping it can be
handled through diet alone. This is bad, but the really bad part was
those few days after diagnosis and before we met with the Dr., where
every website we looked at made us think that both Jill and the kids
would get diabetes and suffer from it for life. Those are still
possibilities, but both are fairly unlikely.

The thing about twins – especially with a mother who is older than 30
or so – is that EVERY system in your body is strained. If we had one
baby, Jill would likely be significantly more comfortable. GD happened
because her body struggled to handle the strain of providing nutrition
for three people at one time. What compounds all this is that there
isn’t a lot of consensus in the research done on multiples. Lots of
“Slight increase in probability’s” and “higher likelihood of’s.” It’s
easy to get scared and instantly plan on the worst case scenario. But
we’re persevering. I keep saying, “lets try not to freak out until
somebody tells us to freak out.” And so far nobody has told us to
freak out. Thankfully!

On to ‘the Good!’ I’m going all caps on this: YOU CAN NEVER HEAR A
DOCTOR SAY YOUR BABIES ARE DOING GREAT ENOUGH TIMES! You really can’t.
Even four or five times in a minute – still doesn’t get old! I just
heard it yesterday and I’m already wanting more! Our babies ARE doing
great. The expression ‘Keep your eyes on the prize” comes to mind. I’m
also looking forward to being able to bear the burden more equitably
with Jill. She’s so uncomfortable some times. I know these words will
come back to haunt me, but I can’t wait to able to say, “I’ll get this
one!”

It’s not been a walk in the park

I think Joe has mentioned that I have not had an easy time so far in this pregnancy.  The nausea was awful, but it has gotten better.  I’m still waiting for that blissful second trimester time, now that I’m almost 5 months along, but I don’t think that will be in the cards for me.  I am still getting sick occasionally and have a prescription for nausea to help keep that at bay.

But what’s been most difficult are the few scares that we have had.  Joe wrote about Friday, the 13^th in April.  Well, a couple weeks ago, I had a little more spotting.  It wasn’t as bad as the first time, and this time I knew what was going on and that there wasn’t too much to be worried about as far as the babies were concerned.  But it’s still so scary because it’s still a sign that not everything is absolutely perfect.

This time I had an even better understanding of what might be happening.  At the ultrasound, the doctor found that the placenta of our baby girl is pretty close to my cervix. This makes it much more likely to have bleeding and it’s something they need to keep a pretty close eye on.  In fact, if the placenta moves over the cervix, I will most likely be put on some sort of bed rest, which I dread more than anything.

Sometimes it feels really unfair.  We had to go through so much just to get pregnant. Shouldn’t I get a free pass to an easy pregnancy?  But I know it doesn’t work that way, so I know I just need to do whatever is needed to make sure these babies that we have worked so hard for stay safe and sound for many more weeks.

I have to really watch how much activity I have each day. I can’t really even go for walks.  Trying to run the errands that we need to do to prepare for the babies is exhausting and makes me a little nervous. It’s hard having that worry in the back of my head all the time (if you know me, you know I don’t need any help with worrying), and I really wish I was able to do more.  But once again, Joe has shown how amazing he is. He helps out a lot around the house and does what he can to help me feel more comfortable. He has been patient whenever I don’t feel well and helps me feel calmer when the tears can’t be stopped. I don’t know what I would do without him!

Finding out what’s in the envelope

A few weeks ago, I went in for my first ultrasound where they do all of the screening and really make sure that the babies are developing well.  Unfortunately, Joe wasn’t able to go since it was only his second day at the new job and he didn’t want to ask for the time already.

It was pretty fascinating!!  They took measurements of the bones, the spine, the internal organs, the brain, everything. They made sure each amniotic sac looks good, and that everything seems to be progressing according to plan. The babies were definitely not cooperating; they were moving all over the place so it took awhile, but they were able to collect all of the information they wanted.

The doctor came in and explained that both babies look really good, and that neither is showing any signs of Downs or Spina Bifida.  This was really the news that we were most anxious about, so it was a joy to hear that from her.

They are both the same size, which is also a good thing.  And, not surprising, they both have pretty big heads. At this appointment, they were also able to tell the genders, but since Joe wasn’t there, I asked them to put that news in an envelope so that we could open it together and find out.

I had to leave the envelope in the car because it just would have been too distracting the entire day if I knew it was in my bag at work.  But we both left work a little early to try and get home as quickly as possible. We sat down and opened the envelope.  Baby A…a girl!!!  And Baby B…a boy!!!  We’re having one of each!  It was so exciting to see that we were basically getting exactly what we wanted.  Of course, we would have been ecstatic for two girls or two boys, but knowing that this was going to be our family and we would have a son and a daughter was just awesome!!

It’s hard to say that we have been lucky in this process.  Because having to go through IVF in the first place doesn’t exactly make you feel like you are very lucky.  And it hasn’t been easy, the IVF process or the pregnancy, but to know that our family of four will be here in just a few short months makes everything absolutely worth it.  We’ve had good results all along the way, and I know a lot of couples don’t have the type of luck we have had, so we feel so blessed to be at this stage, knowing our babies are healthy and that we’ll be looking for cute gear in both blue and pink!

Houston, We Have a Problem…

AKA Joe’s pipes don’t work

In my first post I mentioned that I’d be talking about all kinds of things is this blog – including anatomical things that some might consider a bit, um, sensitive.  I think its important, though, to give an honest picture of why IVF was necessary for us.  I’m not embarrassed by any of this.  I don’t necessarily think its dinner conversation, either, but if any readers have questions about any of it, I’m certainly willing to talk about it in greater detail – although I’d prefer a fairly discreet setting…

I don’t have exact numbers, but for the majority of couples who face IVF as the only way to have a biological baby, it is the woman who has some anatomical issue that is inhibiting a traditional pregnancy.    Typical treatments include prescription drugs (that increase likelihood of pregnancy) or Artificial Insemination.  The latter involves a healthy sperm sample and works incredibly similar – biologically speaking – to how it is done in farm animals.

In our case, after we had tried to get pregnant for 6 months or so with no luck, Jill went to an OB/GYN to get the thorough diagnostics done to determine if she had any fertility issues.  Tests came back negative – no issues.  This, logically, meant that I might be the cause.  First up for me was a semen analysis.  My test came back negative as well – only in this case negative meant zero – as in no sperm.   I repeated the test with the same results – I produced semen but no sperm was found in it – ie we can’t make a baby that way.

This was tough to hear, but this is where my medical background was useful.  Some men may feel inadequate or uncomfortable after receiving this news.  I just don’t think like that.  My response was, “Ok, what do we do next?”

A blood test quickly confirmed that my testosterone levels were normal, meaning I should be producing sperm, which indicated one of two things – there was either a blockage or the vas deferens (the essential ‘pipe’) simply wasn’t present.  

This is where the science gets a bit fuzzy.  The most common reason why the vas deferens wouldn’t be present is because the person either has or is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis.  As far as I know I don’t have a family history of it.  One (expensive) blood test later I found out that I didn’t carry the gene, however two different doctors said that the test was imperfect.  Great.  We all love expensive, imperfect test, right??

Regardless this indicated a blockage.  Over the next couple months I had two separate procedures (one excruciatingly painful and another with general anesthesia—thank god!) to attempt to clear the blockage.  Both of these were unsuccessful in opening the proper ‘pipes.’ 

At this point, there were no more procedures to try.  Upon review, two different fertility-specific urologists surmised that the CF test was incorrect and that I might still be a carrier of it.  I think its worth noting that I had a hernia operation in 2002 that had some ensuing complications.  Hernia procedures involve placing a chunk of synthetic mesh in very close proximity to where these pipes reside.  I think there’s a chance the doctor who did the procedure caused damage during the operation.  It didn’t really matter though – at that point IVF was the only realistic option left on the table.

After choosing an IVF doctor, one of the aforementioned urologists simply retrieved a sperm sample via a long needle (again – general anesthesia was used, again – thank god…).  Then when Jill went through her retrieval process a lovely Asian woman in a lab brought her egg and my sperm together and magic ensued.  Likely awkward, nervous magic, but magic nonetheless…

The end of the Dark Ages

For the rest of my life I’ll refer to these last few years as the “Dark Ages.”  I was laid off from the biotech company in July of 2010 and subsequently drew unemployment while looking for jobs from Chicago.  2011 brought the move to Milwaukee and then there was the 4.5 months or so at the BloodCenter that turned out to be the single worst work experience of my entire life.   I’ve spent the last 8 (very humbling) months as a freelance writer and part-time Bed Bath and Beyond associate.  Its been tough.  So many life decisions were put on hold and we really had to scale our lives down to subsistence levels for an extended period of time.  

I recently was offered a long-term contract position with Harley-Davidson, though, and I’m really excited about it.  The job sounds neat and seems like something I’d be particularly good at.  And it pays well.  And its Harley-Frickin’-Davidson!!  How cool is that???  Its not a permanent position, so its not totally ideal, but I have faith in my abilities to win them over enough that – at the least – they extend the contract indefinitely.

This is where I bring this back to IVF.  We spent the first few months of 2011 looking into different IVF docs.  By ‘we’ I mean Jill because she did most of the work.  After identifying a doctor in late spring, we were about ready to start the process in July, but when my job became untenable and I left BloodCenter we were forced to put the process on hold.  Making the timing of this even more awful was the fact that nearly every woman in Jill’s office (of child-bearing age) was either pregnant or had just had kids.  It was like Mommy-palooza there and she was left as only a hopeful observer.  That period was probably the most stressful time in our marriage, but we agreed holding off would be the best option.

A few months passed and after a few more conversations, we decided that waiting for the sake of waiting wasn’t really getting us anywhere.  We had saved for it so we had the money and as we approached our 35^th birthdays, we knew we couldn’t wait forever.  So we took a risk.  A risk that I would have a better job by the time they were born.  One of the things the last few years have taught me is that – as long as you have your priorities straight – you can find a way to make difficult situations workable.  Not necessarily fun or enjoyable, but workable.  And I/we were determined to make this particular situation work.

As the IVF process unfolded we consistently got good results.  Honestly – at every step along the way things have very much gone in our favor.  Still, though, seeing those two little heartbeats brought on a definite sense of anxiety.  I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to provide for them.  There were nights I would wake up anxious at 2am.  You carry that anxiety with you as well – I’m sure anybody that knows me well could probably pick up on that.  There is a tension of both mind and spirit that inhibits you from ever achieving any real sense of comfort and peace.

That is what this job has given me – comfort and peace.  Money is money.  It doesn’t mean anything.  The ability to provide for my family, though, means everything.  We’re able to talk about cribs and car seats and high chairs and day care.  Today we bought a stroller – something we couldn’t have afforded without this job (thankfully I was still able to use my BBB discount ---20% gets pretty awesome when you’re dropping $500!!!).

Mostly I’m able to enjoy these next few months.  I’ll be able to provide for our little guys.  And Jill – Jill won’t have to carry us nearly single-handedly anymore.  After five years of marriage and seven years of being together I have definitely learned that life will give a couple plenty of opportunities to share the load.  And Jill has been carrying more than her fair share for entirely too long.  This job provides both of us with a level of comfort I think we’re entirely due.

I have no idea how the rest of the pregnancy will unfold and I’m 100% ignorant when it comes to parenthood.  We’ve made it through the Dark Ages, though, so I’m entirely confident we’ll make it through whatever is next as well.

Friday the 13th

It’s interesting how the notion of ‘fear’ changes as you get older.  When you’re a kid, fear is generally the result of something that you don’t understand, but haven’t yet learned to dismiss as nonsense.  Things like ghosts and monsters and such.  As an adult, though, fear is more often the result of instability – of something taken away from you that leaves you with an uncertain or unpleasant future.  As opposed to when you were younger and fear lasted long enough for Scooby or Shaggy to pull the mask off of the evil-doer, fear as an adult is more pervasive and long lasting.

Ironic, then, that the scariest day I can remember happened on Friday the 13^th.

It started harmless enough.  I got up early and headed to the gym.  I lifted weights for about half an hour then changed into swim trunks and was earnestly swimming away at the Y pool when a lifeguard tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Joe Camp.  When I confirmed my identity, he made what is probably the scariest comment I have ever heard – “Your wife called – its an emergency and you need to get home as soon as possible.”

In the pool, wearing only my trunks, a 15 minute drive home – and knowing that this pregnancy has been incredibly hard on Jill – I was pure panic.  The Y folks directed me to a phone, where I hurriedly told Jill I’d be there ASAP.  Drying off seemed to take an hour, the drive home seemed like a month.  When I got back to my locker I saw that Jill had called nearly 35 minutes earlier asking me to come home immediately.  I just didn’t think to check my messages between lifting and swimming.  I felt awful and guilty and mostly terribly afraid of what might happen to our babies.

When I finally pulled in the drive, Jill was outside waiting for me.  She already had an appointment with the Ob/Gyn scheduled for later in the day, but they had got her in earlier as a result of our emergency.  Again – the doctor’s office is only about 5 miles away, but it seemed like we hit every red light along the way.  We were both too nervous to talk much but through a shared clenching of one another's hand, we made our way there. 

Jill’s usual doctor was out of town and her replacement, while competent, was a bit detached in nature.  She started her examination as if Jill and I weren’t practically melting in front of her.  When she finally got to an ultrasound she – fairly casually – said, “Yup, there they are – two little heartbeats.”  I don’t know how long she had been aware that our babies were ok, but up until that second Jill and I were thinking the worst.  I lost it.  I could not have been more relieved.  The exam wrapped up and things looked fine.  Jill was told to take it easy for a week or so, and also that this was only something to monitor – nothing to be anxious about. 

By this point Jill had been in full-on panic mode for an hour or so.  I’d been in a similar state for over 30 minutes.  Once we knew the episode was behind us, we were finally able to talk through the anxiety of the morning.  In those fearful moments, it’s like you know you’re only holding on by a sliver of hope and so talking about “what might happen” is the last thing you want to do.  Afterwards, though, it’s almost therapeutic to talk through the emotions of the day and say some of the things you had been petrified of only 15 minutes ago.

More than anything else, this episode reinforces to me that we are out of the high risk zone.  We’re past that 12 week threshold.  Now – more often than not – our babies are going to be ok.  I mean – my mom was in a car wreck when she was pregnant with me and I’m here to tell the story.  I’m not taking anything for granted, but I do feel a bit more confident – or maybe comfortable is the right word – going forward.

Uncovering Truths

As part of the process to qualify for IVF, there is a fairly rigorous series of blood work and ultrasounds that need to be done.  The doctor wants to make sure that you are a good candidate for success.  A full blood count was done; we were tested for cystic fibrosis (among other things), vitamin D levels, and thyroid function. When my thyroid results came back it actually showed that I have a mild case of hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid).  There have been several tests that have linked hypothyroidism to the increased chance of miscarriage.  So although that result ended up putting the IVF cycle off for two months while I got my levels back to normal, I was still glad that they found it.

When I was growing up, my mom eventually told my sister and I that she had had three miscarriages besides her two successful ones.  And I’m pretty sure that my grandma had two, so I had always been a little concerned that I might be at a higher risk for miscarriage.  And with the process we have to go through just to get pregnant, I wanted to avoid that at all costs.  I’m sure, when my mom was pregnant in the 60s and 70s, no one thought or knew to test for thyroid function, so it went undiagnosed.  However, when my sister got married and before they even started trying to have kids, she found out that she has the same thyroid condition.  Since it had already been treated by the time she did get pregnant, she never had a miscarriage.  To me that was a huge connection. I was certainly willing to delay if it meant increasing our chances of success the first time around.

I also had a hysteroscopy, which is a scope (with a camera!!) of my uterus to make sure it is healthy and that it will be welcoming of the retrieval and transfer process.  As Joe so delicately put it, we definitely don’t have that channel on our TV at home.  Although it is a little odd to watch your uterus on a TV screen, it was still pretty neat.  And I found out that my uterus is naturally tilted about 45 degrees -  nothing to worry about.  But who would’ve known!!

Fuzzy Math

Just got to thinking about something -- the whole time I've been talking about IVF, I've made constant reference to that $25,000 number -- which is REALLY close to what this will end up costing.

But now that we know that we will be having twins -- does that mean I should change the total to "The Making of (2) $12,500 Babies?"  Because when you think about it -- its kinda like we got a 2-for-1 coupon.  Or a 50% discount.  A Discount Double Check if you will.

I was also looking forward to the $25K guilt trip I would have at my disposal when this child became old enough to negotiate.  Now my leverage has been halved.  Such is life...

Why I Actually Think We’re Lucky

Most people who hear about couples having to go through IVF feel a certain level of sympathy. When the decision has been made to start trying for a baby, you don’t ever think this will be your path.  We certainly didn’t.  But I actually think we are really fortunate to have discovered that IVF was going to be our required path fairly quickly.

We tried naturally for about 6 months before I went into my gynecologist.  At that point, the tests started, and that was a difficult process in itself.  But we found out after about 4 months where our challenges stemmed from, and there was a procedure done to try and reconcile the issue which was unsuccessful. So after only 6 months of trying to figure this out, we had our answers and knew what our solution would be. IVF was still daunting, but at least we knew.

There are so many couples out there that are desperate for a baby.  They try for years, they have an endless amount of tests done, and they put thousands of dollars into the process. But everything they do comes back negative and doesn’t help explain why they can’t get pregnant.  That would have been excruciating for us, and it makes the decisions of what to do going forward so much more difficult. Should we keep trying?  Can we afford to keep trying? Should we adopt instead?

We definitely would have preferred being able to have our babies naturally (certainly more fun), but I am so thankful that we have answers in our hands.  This is a solution that we are able to afford that allows us to try and have kids of our own. That, to me, is a real blessing.